i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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