As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
where are my eyebrows?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
