i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
