my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
