I love black thongs
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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