so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Every concussion has its silver lining
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
