Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
