we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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