If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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