and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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