If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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