god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
