there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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