you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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