im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
