3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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