just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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