The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
where are my eyebrows?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
