when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
