The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
