Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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