I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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