you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
