Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
