Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
