sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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