theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
