It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
