She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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