i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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