just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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