My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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