hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
