I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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