i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What a dumb baby whore.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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