I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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