we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I forget how to act sober
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
