I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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