your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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