We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
