There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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