i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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