Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
