my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
