What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
