Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
