What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
