This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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