I wanna bring you to show and tell
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
