I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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